Barry Lyndon and Trying Not to Lose It:

Do you ever have those days where absolutely everything goes wrong and there's no amount of self-help videos that can guide you through it?

That was today for me. I had to wake up early and go wait for a drywaller to fix a crack in our ceiling. The appointment started at 8:30AM and I had to leave at 12:15PM so I figured that I would have plenty of time to lounge around, go to IKEA, and get lunch before work. I bring Barry Lyndon with me with the anticipation that I won't finish it in time and I'll have to watch it all at a later date. Tell me why I literally finished it, was left waiting around in confusion as noon approached and the guy still wasn't done. Call it anxiety, but I hate being late, and I usually have panic attacks when I'm late to things. I texted my boss I was going to be late and then bolted out the door as soon as he left.

Here's where it gets good: I ordered a sandwich and drink from Starbucks and then DROVE TO THE WRONG ONE. Then once I went to the right one, someone with a huge order cut in front of me in line, then I got a free extra drink, then I almost got rear ended, then the freeway ramp I was supposed to take was closed, then I finally got to my job where I learned later that day that a situation with my friends only got worse for me.

But, I've been trying not to complain as of late so I'll shut up now. It's hard not to complain about things that seem unfair to you, and I've actively been stopping myself from texting people every little thing about me. I always thought that friends were meant to hear you out no matter the situation, but what if you don't trust your friends anymore? It's been a hard thing for me not to want to immediately tell everyone about my shitty day, mainly because I want other people to hear the absurdity of it, but not everyone needs to hear it I guess.

I've been taking a break from social media lately and it's been hard to stop myself from scrolling. To occupy my time, I've been turning to more long-form content like TV shows and movies to help with my attention span. It's freeing almost to not care about what is happening in other people's lives. I looked at my Instagram and clicked through a few stories and I felt unfulfilled. Then I turn around and watch Barry fucking Lyndon which is 3 hrs with an intermission and I somehow last the entire time. I don't know if it's a good sign or not, but I hope it's a sign that no matter how much I think I'm losing a grip on my life, I can do little things to get it back.

So go out and watch Barry Lyndon to test your attention span, have a shitty day and realize that you don't have to rely on external validation for it to happen to you. Do you know what happened when I didn't text anyone about it? I forgot about it. I told one of my coworkers the story and realized that I don't care anymore. It's just something that happened to me and has no effect on my life anymore.

Once you realize you no longer need validation, you are free. (Which is what I'm hoping happens to me very soon because I am in the driver's seat on the struggle bus.)