Do I Have Any Friends?

This essay is going to be a more personal tone than my other ones, but it's something that's been on my mind for a while now. To quickly and vaguely sum things up, I was recently lied to by my two best friends in the world. They lied to me and defended a guy they liked so that they could get with him.

How's THAT for a cold open? Anyways to add more salt to the wound that all went down the DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY :D. I've been betrayed like this multiple times in the past, so things get really fresh for me when people do stuff like that. I tried being friends with them after that, but I felt myself get angry about them and ask them constantly about the man they defended. You see, I thought I liked him. I thought we had the same sense of humor, but it turns out it was all a ploy for a joke. Anyways, I've been slowly drifting myself away from them (which isn't very hard, they only reach out when it's of convienience to them). And I've been really feeling a particular brand of hopelessness. I think it all hit me when I listened in on my mom telling my sister to hang out with me because I "have no friends" and I really started to wonder... Do I have any friends?

I would be the first one to tell you that I'm not particularly a great friend. I love long texting conversations but I don't like driving very far to hang out. I hate driving people around (including my friends) because a part of me thinks that's the only reason I'm invited to anything. I love gossiping and I'll like your Instagram stories, but I'll tell you I'm deleting Instagram every five seconds. I really tell my best friends a lot more than I care to tell anyone else. One of the friends I mentioned above was the first person to learn about my parents' divorce. I told the other one about my deepest fear of being a failure and never dating anyone because I'm unlovable. Suffice to say, I've been crushed. I've tried making new friends but it's just so hard. I usually go to these movie nights and I had a full episode after hanging out with them because I knew I would never be integrated into their group and I would never have friends who I'm that close with ever again.

Everything reached a peak when I asked myself who my best friend was and my first response was my mom. HOW LAME IS THAT? I mean I love my mom more than anyone else on the planet but still I would like someone who doesn't feel an obligation to be around me to be friends with me. So, I did what any teenage girl does after a crying episode and that is seek validation on the Internet. I opened Instagram and posted a story asking my followers (who I hand-select, I'm picky) to say positive things. And... they did. People I hadn't spoken to since high school (2 years ago but that doesn't matter) said positive things, one of my friends who lied to me told me that I could come to her if I needed anything, and while I only received 13 responses, I really appreciated each one equally (fucking Severance reference). While I don't consider those people my beat friends, maybe the people who matter don't have to have a label. Maybe I can just enjoy someone's company.

So what plans am I making to fix this? That's an idea that my mom kept pushing when I complain. What am I going to do to solve this? Well, I'm planning on messaging each of those people specifically and asking them how they are. I am also planning on sending a friend from high school a Rainbow Loom version of her dog since she sent me a crochet version of an axolotl when I was feeling particularly depressed (and she made me a manatee during our physics class... she's the fucking best). I plan on messaging the friend who hurt me and telling her how I've been feeling lately about our friendship. I know she values communication, so I'm just going to communicate for once. I unfortunately am finding it hard to talk to my other friend, the one I considered my best friend, because her lying to me hit me much harder. I don't know. I'm still on the fence about everything because even though it happened 5 months ago, it continues to affect my life in particularly negative ways.

So do I have any friends? Yes. I think I do. Even if they're states away from me or haven't spoken to me in a while, I know that we will always be able to talk to one another in the future. I hope that in the future I make more friends, and that they won't fuck me over or anything. But I guess getting fucked by your friends is life. Have a great day, everyone!