Selling Sunset and What Success Looks Like:

What the actual hell does success look like?

Recently, I've decided I'm going to be a lawyer. I like reading, I like writing, and I like the ability to work from anywhere.

I really like reality tv, so I decided to watch "Selling Sunset," because I thought it would be fun. But it got me thinking...

Is this success? What does success look like?

These women have homes worth millions of dollars in some of the richest parts of California. They should be what success in terms of money looks like... right? I've been finding myself wishing that I had a life like theirs. I show up to work in a fashion statement outfit with my perfect face and I make millions of dollars a year selling homes to people.

I recently read "Bad Lawyer" by Anna Dorn in which she goes into detail about not fitting in in the law world and it scares me. She talks about how all of the women have to look absolutely perfect or they're automatically cast aside and how they're held to high standards. Is this what I want for myself? Yes, if I got into Big Law I would be getting that Big Paycheck, but is it worth having to make myself a commodity to accomplish? I watch Selling Sunset and I can't help but feel like I want to be them.

Yes, that outlook is harmful and YES I AM AWARE but still I can't help but feel like I want it. I want to be the super successful woman in the pantsuit wearing those little circle glasses and driving Chelsea's cute pastel blue car. I'm sick of being afraid of dying alone and poor, I want to die alone and rich!

But then I go back to Anna Dorn and "Bad Lawyer." I want so badly to accomplish my dreams and be in entertainment, but nowadays it's just not reasonable. I look at everyone else I know trying to get into those fields and they are struggling so hard. I'm just scared. To me, law school is a way to prove to myself that I can be successful. It can prove in some fucked up way that I am better than everyone else... but what's the point in being better than everyone else if you're unhappy.

Look, I know I'm hinting towards not going to law school but I am still going to go. I'm just going to put myself first. If opportunities to do my dream arrive and delay my education more then so be it. While I find myself wanting to become Selling Sunset successful, I want to be me successful as well.

So what does success look like? Well, it's different for everyone. Me, I don't know what it looks like yet. In my dreams it's standing on that Oscar stage getting an award for producing an animated movie. But, until then, we won't know.