Day 3: 12-16-2024

Funny enough, it took just two weeks for that last journal entry to be rendered obsolete. RIP Peppermart, you were a fantastic idea. Maybe I'll do a rebrand of that later, but the pages I had planned weren't turning out like I'd planned and it was just pissing me off more than making me want to code.

On the flip side, thank you to all 1000 people who have seen my website! That is more than I could have ever anticipated and I am so honored. I hope that you find some form of joy visiting. Right now, I have to finish my art/portfolio section of the website. I have a few more plans like a shrines and a comic page, but those are in the distant future. As of right now, I've been working two hours on just this journal page and it doesn't even look like I want it to. I think my problem is that I have these insane ideas but I don't know how to code them in CSS or HTML so I get frustrated... But that's all about the learning process, isn't it?

So, you're probably thinking, why science? Well, before I decided to go insane and study art, I wanted nothing more than to be a scientist. When I was in Kindergarten, my future dream job was scientist. I still really enjoy science (some sciences aka Biology and Astronomy), but I haven't had the chance to do much since going to college for Animation and now Film and Media Studies. Next semester I am taking Psych 101, which I am really excited about. Hopefully it doesn't suck, but if it does I anticipate I'll rant about it here.

PS: Nina, the dog on the main page, is actually based on my dog named... you guessed it... Nina! I already have plans on how to incorporate my other dog Ruby into the website, but she's more of a chaotic evil to Nina's chaotic good, so I'm gonna have a lot of fun with that.

I made this website because I wanted a place to put my professional portfolio for jobs. I know what you're thinking: Maddie, the whole point of the indie web is to represent YOURSELF and not think about getting a job and stuff. And... you're completely right. I wish I could just make this website a blog about me and showcase work that I'm proud of, not that I think will get me a job or recognition on the Internet. If I wanted recognition, I would go on Instagram and stuff. The point is, I'm changing my portfolio section to just showcase my art and my sketchbooks.

It just sucks because I wish the world would value me for who I am and not what I can do. Especially when their metric on what you can do is on their terms. So from now on I'm just treating this website as a small piece of myself. I won't worry with theming or anything like I was before, I'll just write about whatever I please, which sounds really nice.

Day 2: 12-2-2024

Hi again. Today I decided to rebrand my website for realsies. I've been thinking about changing it to this supermarket theme for a while, and today during my 8 hr shift at work I decided now was the best time.

Things have been insanely rough lately and it's hard to keep my head on straight. I feel like I'm getting drawn and quartered, like all of my limbs and parts of my brain are being spread in different directions all at once. It's December now, and a lot of people are excited because it was a new moon and I should be trying to reinvent myself. The only New Moon I know about is from Twilight, so I'm not sure what to believe but I do know that I'm ready to make a change. I'm sick and tired of being who I am right now, and I hope that I can take a fresh step forward with this website change.

Also to reference the last time I wrote on this blog (glorified diary) I am still unsure of my major. I have applied to 4 internships (and plan to apply to 4 more), and now we just sit and wait. I'm going to try and not get my hopes up, but I really really think I have a shot this time.

Thank you so much for reading this, and I hope you have a good day!!

(Also I was able to purchase my own car, and she is the most darling thing. I'm proud of myself.)

Day 1: 10-29-2024

Hi everyone! So today I officially changed my major to film to go on the producing track. It's such a weird experience because I felt a pang of dread when I realized that I probably won't be able to change my major again. My major before was animation, which is just film but more specialized and I'm still minoring in it, but why do I feel so bad? I feel like I'm the scum of the Earth for changing my major to film and that I'm never going to get a job. What's even weirder is that I know in my head that even if I don't get a job in the industry, I can just become a manager at a bookstore or a Hot Topic or something, so why do I feel like I'm a failure before I've even started?

All of my friends switched their majors too, but they all switched to STEM majors. Now I'm terrified that I'm not doing the right thing and that I should have just switched my major to Project Management and just become a recluse who takes all of their classes online. I hate feeling scared about my future. I was so excited about the prospect of being able to learn more about my dream job (being a producer). I don't know, I think I'm just having regrets, which I hate.

I guess we'll just see how I feel about it once I really get into the program, but I'm genuinely scared that this was a bad idea.